7 Lessons About Marriage I Wish I’d Learned Sooner

You meet her (or him). You feel all the feels and all the butterflies. You decide she’s the one, put a ring on her finger, and live happily ever after. The End. And then you wakeup to your cluttered home with a heap of bills, a princess in sweatpants that you only see in passing between kids and work, and resentment and power struggles that replaced the butterflies years ago. Good morning, have a great day.

It turns out that marriage is hard work and that happily ever after is just make-believe. When pretend-play is over and you’re in the real world, relationships need much more than a prince on a horse (or a Mercedes) and a kiss to save the day!

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Below are 7 tricks to help you build a good relationship, I certainly wish I’d learned sooner:

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1). Talk to each other

Communication is THE number one issue I hear from couples in my office: “Help us learn to communicate better,” they beg. And I do or try at least!

Talk to each other, often, and not just in passing. Effective communication is the key to your relationship, and not just when you’re coordinating carpool schedules or fighting about the dishes in the sink. Meaningful conversations are the key to connection. Spend meaningful time talking with each other and getting curious about each other’s inner world.

Share your days, share your dreams, share your life. Talk to each other like you did when you courted one another, long and late into the night.

In the same way that toddlers parallel-play before they developmentally progress to connecting and interacting with others, we too often resort to parallel-living; no connection, no long talks into the night, and certainly no butterflies. If meaningful conversations are no longer natural in your partnership, schedule time for them, and ask your therapist for resources—we have them!

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2). Budget together

We’ve all heard the cliche of “sex and money” as the top reasons for divorce, right? Making and sticking to a reasonable budget will help you avoid getting into debt or taking on financial commitments you can’t handle. Financial burdens cause pervasive and ongoing stress on relationships. Additionally, finances must be transparent, as in both of you should know how much and where the money is (I can’t stress this enough), as well as be part of the budgeting process.

Too often, we hear of couples where one partner manages the money while the other is happily in the dark, saying things like ‘I’m not good with math, I trust him/her.’ This works until it doesn’t, and it is certainly not advised. You are in this together, and this extends to your finances (unless you have agreed otherwise), so open the lines of communication, visibility, and access to bank accounts, savings, retirement accounts, and so forth. Transparency and access to both partners is a must for healthy relationships and strengthen the foundation of trust and connection.

Sit down with all of your assets and all of your debts and bare it all often. Make this are gular part of your relationship’s financial health. Hire a financial advisor if you need support.

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3). Have more sex – it matters

Yes, we talk about sex in therapy—it’s an essential part of relationships and making marriage last. Too often, couples slip into negative patterns with sex, using it as a weapon versus a catalyst for connection. Sex connects us physically and emotionally. It is the most intimate communication that occurs between partners. Sex should be both regular and prioritized, frequent, and novel, meeting both partners’ needs. Don’t use sex, or the lack thereof, to control or distance from one another, but rather use it to get close and to stay close to each other.

Have sex often and a lot. Schedule it if you must. Make it fun. Spice it up. Try lingerie if you (or your partner) fancies it. Go to a hotel for the night. Try Sleep Naked Wednesdays. Just do it!

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4). Have fun

Did you know that adults can play too? It is important to schedule pleasure time together. Have fun to relieve stress, to connect, and to enjoy one another. Develop mutual interests and learn to value and enjoy each other’s fun too, or at least fake it till you make it, and do it for each other anyway! I understand that you may feel as if there is no time for play, but make it part of your self-care practice, and make time.

Make fun a priority, and be intentional about it. Schedule play without the kids; it’s important and ironically, it’s fun too!

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5). Be together, but not all the time

It is important for couples to talk about how much togetherness is too much versus not enough. Couples therapists educate their clients about dependency styles and advise a balance born out of open communication and a mutual meeting of needs. Some require alone time to recharge, whereas others seek togetherness. While there is no one right way to do relationships, there are dependency styles that are unhealthy. A therapist can help you with that, but start by talking with each other, being curious, and asking your partner what does he/she need to feel safe, secure, seen, connected, and simultaneously independent.

Being selfless is not the goal for who are we in relationship if not ourselves? Lean in towards each other, but don’t ever lose yourself, and if you sense that you are – heed the red flag.

Talk about your needs and expectations regarding your togetherness/alone time, and find a balance that works for you both. Remember, you can be right or be in relationship – and yes, I repeat this often.

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6). Take care of business - together

Good relationships handle what they need to such as bills, home improvement, health, kids, and the unexpected that comes up as life happens. Think order, management, organization, and discipline. If the house needs new windows, for example, couples that take care of business will give something else up to save for the home project they both agree on. If they want to go on vacation, they plan, save, clear their work schedules, and make it happen together. Couples who are intentional about this – plan their work and work their plans together with transparency and open communication.

Sure, it’s fun and even important to be spur-of-the-moment sometimes too, but per the experts, individuals who have order in their lives are easier to be in relationship with.

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7). Look good, feel good – for yourself, and each other

This can be a sensitive and delicate topic in a society that has a lot to say about women’s bodies, but that is for another discussion. For purposes of this conversation, looking good is entirely in the eyes of the beholder. This is about how you feel about yourself, and not an invitation for partners to criticize one another.  

Attraction matters: it’s the thing that often connects us in the first place, and it’s one of the ways we keep the spark alive, but it’s not about chasing a body type or fighting time. It’s about effort, energy, and care. It’s about investing in yourself!

It is important to feel loved as we are by our partner, and we must also continue to show up with intention and care for ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually, as this attention to self-care affects the way we feel and thus show up in the world and in our relationships.

Looking good is not about chasing perfection; it’s about self-respect and aliveness. When we take care of ourselves, we feel good. When we feel good, how we show up changes.

Attraction absolutely matters in relationships, but not always in the way we think. It is less about body type or hairlines and more about how we carry ourselves, how alive and engaged we feel, and how much care we put into showing up for life and for our partner. Looking good for ourselves can fuel confidence and strengthen connection, because when we feel good in our own skin, we bring more energy and openness to the relationship.

So I invite you both to invest in yourselves! Remember that bodies change, hair thins, and shapes shift, but attraction thrives when two people continue to choose each other and themselves through effort, curiosity, and care.

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To Summarize: Try these 7 tricks to build a good relationship

1. Talk to each other, meaningfully, and regularly.
2. Budget together: be in the know about your money.
3. Have more sex!
4. Have fun: adults can play too!
5. Be together, but not all the time.
6. Take care of business: plan, be organized, and be disciplined
7. Look good, feel good –for yourself, and each other.

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And if you need help – ask!

Warmly,

Dr. Galit

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