5 Behaviors that Kill Relationships

I have always said that it takes two (usually) to make or break a marriage. I have seen this with my clients, and in my own life too. It turns out that all relationships, outside of the fairy tales we grew upon, take work. They also require both individuals to lean in a little, to bend, to listen, to open up, and to truly partner up. Though there isn’t a manual or guidebook per se for couples to follow, couples therapists have identified patterns in their work with clients, which either enliven or kill relationships.

Here are five behaviors known to kill relationships, according to Dr. Don Hebbard, Couples Therapist, and my former professor. There are many others, of course, but we might be here all day. Pay attention to these red flags, and if you’re not sure or you need help – ask! While we still don’t hand out manuals for doing relationships right, we do have many tools and skills we can teach you. You don’t have to do this alone.

1). Laziness

Relationships require effort, practice, courage, and endurance. I remember in my first marriage, which lasted less than two years back when I was a child in my twenties, saying to my then-husband “This shouldn’t be so much work…if it is something must be wrong”. Little did I know then how very wrong my thinking was, for outside the world of Disney, we must work hard for happily ever after.

Relationships are essentially a giant playground in which we get to revisit all of our past wounding; a growth opportunity if we are willing to stay and play.

Relationships don’t just work; but rather, we work at them. We do for each other, we listen, we talk, we work through discrepancies, we respect and work with each other’s past wounding, we bend for each other, and we lift each other up. We don’t stand firm in how we do things, unwilling to budge or bend for our partner. We don’t criticize or talk down or act like we know everything. We don’t check out emotionally or run when we feel triggered, but rather we stay the course.

Look for someone willing to put in the work; someone with endurance who can go the distance when life gets tough, as it often does, and someone who finishes things in life. If you are early in your relationship, pay close attention. If you are dating someone who isn’t putting in the work now, don’t expect them todo so later.

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2). Disordered behavior

I am not talking about behavioral disorders or mental illness per se, as that is another story entirely, that I have yet to write, but rather mismanaged disordered behaviors such as anger or controlling tendencies that wreak havoc on relationships. We can all be moody sometimes, but disordered behavior brings instability to relationships.

My ex was very critical and often controlling from the start, but I didn’t see it. We kept a shared spreadsheet of our workouts, complete with heart rate data and calories burned. I would run and lift weights in the mornings and do yoga in the afternoons. He would question my intensity. I called it controlling; he called it caring. I stuck around for ten more years of this caring, slowly losing my will and my voice along the way.

The need for control is often symptomatic of something deeper and creates a tough relational climate. Such people often send “hand grenades,” as my ex did when he’d belittle my looks or intelligence, causing distress for me while being completely unfazed by the way his comments landed. If this is you, seek help. If this is your mate, walk away if you can and/or set boundaries to put a stop to it before it escalates.

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3). Dishonesty

The capacity to be candid, truthful, and authentic is necessary to build a solid relationship that is built on trust. Lying, or withholding information, can be a deal-killer in relationships. Omitted truth almost always find sits way to the surface and into relationships at inopportune times. It is best to air out all your dirty laundry from the start. If your mate can’t handle your truth or your past, or you can’t handle theirs, it won’t work anyway. We must be willing to come as we are, human and imperfect, and to be seen and loved as such.

I dated a man just after my divorce who was bipolar. He gave me many clues but didn’t outright tell me about his disorder. I found out when he slipped into a deep depression the night before we departed for Mexico on Thanksgiving Day. Needless to say, I was not thrilled about his lack of transparency, and began to wonder what else he might be hiding, like the girlfriend in New York I would discover the next day when he dumped me on the beach in Cabo! (Don’t ignore red flags!)

Dishonesty kills relationships. It lurks under the surface and keeps a distance between couples - I’ve seen this too many times with couples in my practice, and it almost always comes out eventually, further rupturing any foundation of trust and stability that becomes very hard to repair. If you are engaged in it, stop. Be transparent, show yourself, and build trust together.

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4). Judgmentalism

Judgmental behavior sucks up any room for acceptance, mutual exchange of information, and active listening, and makes relationships difficult and toxic. People who think they are experts on everything tend to be highly judgmental. They spew uninformed opinions as truth and spread negativity around them.

My ex was like this too. An MBA in Finance by trade, he also specialized in relationships, customer service, health and fitness, exercise physiology, weight loss, nutrition, and parenting to name a few. Not only did he possess robust confidence in all of these areas and more, but he was unwilling to listen to differing opinions (see #5) and quick to beat down anyone who disagreed with his views.

This made for a toxic dynamic between us, one in which I eventually swallowed my voice to avoid conflict, criticism, and disapproval of any thought that countered his. This is an unhealthy dynamic I see with many clients I work with who see the red flags and either ignore them or normalize them, but there is nothing normal (and I use this word sparingly) or healthy about such dynamics that ask you to minimize yourself for another.

If you see yourself in the above, you’re not alone, but you do matter, and your voice matters too. Don’t ever swallow your voice for someone else. This will only cause you to check out and further the distance between you and your partner. Use your voice firmly and lovingly with integrity and respect, and always stand up for yourself. And if you are the judgmental one, enough. Consider that you don’t know everything, make space for your partner, and replace judgment with curiosity instead.

Judgmentalism kills relationships. Choose someone open and accepting instead.

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5). Closed thinking

One of the signs of a healthy, happy, and well-adjusted person is the capacity to take in new information and learn new things from others and the world around us. Being able to listen to another’s point of view, open to learning from them, requires one to step out of narrow and closed thinking and to open up to new possibilities.

Each of us is an expert in our own lives, and we each have something to offer the other in relationships. The beautiful thing about engaging with others is that we can learn, grow, and be enriched from the experience, from seeing the world through different eyes. Whereas my ex-husband dismissed any lived experiences that differed from his, I’ve been fortunate enough to hear “I love how you see the world” from others, reminding me of what is possible. 

My ex-husband was never interested in how I saw the world, for his way was the only way that mattered to him - a rigidity that slowly kills connection and marriages.

Thinking that you already know everything and being closed-minded to others keeps you stagnant, stuck, and disconnected. Rigid or closed thinking simply kills relationships. I invite you instead to open yourself up to one another, to listen with an open heart and mind, and to allow yourself to walk away fuller than you were before.

If you are with someone who is closed-minded, inflexible, rigid, and self-indulged (unable to also consider you), and you can still run - do so! If you are closed-minded yourself and willing to see it, practice leaning in towards your partner with less judgment and more curiosity and interest in their experience of being human, even and especially if it differs from yours.

Remember that relationships require effort, and choose someone willing to invest together with you. Run from disordered behavior or at least confront it head-on. Come as you are, scars intact, willing to be known with your partner, and don’t tolerate dishonesty. Limit narrow thinking and keep judgmentalism out of your relationships by keeping an open heart and mind, inviting new ways of seeing, being, and relating instead.

Remember that your relationship is a giant playground in which you get to confront your past wounds and triggers, come to know yourself deeply, and grow together with your partner if you are both willing to stay and play. Choose wisely. If you need help – ask!

Warmly,

Dr.Galit